my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
