i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
