K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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