we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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