you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
