planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
We got so high we made milksteak
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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