highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
