upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
