Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize