So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
