what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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