nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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