I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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