I'm so fucking centered right now
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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