Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
