i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
