Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
