Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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