So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
