That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
