i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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