Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Randomize
