I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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