People with herpes should wear stickers.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
