EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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