Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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