Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
