Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
