Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
