apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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