6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
