My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
