Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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