Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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