so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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