We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
