Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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