I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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