Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
