I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
