I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
