His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
