I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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