booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
