anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize