I think i peed on brittanys purse
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
