My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
i believe in u and ur pee
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
