He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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