I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
