Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
