grandma shit on top of the toilet
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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