just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
