All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
