That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
My penis needs a shock collar
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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