both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
