I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
