Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Floor bacon is actually really good
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
