DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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