I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
