Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
