dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Dick very happy bro
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
