...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
smell my finger.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
